Poll Shows Most Students Prefer Answers from ChatGPT Over Omniscient God

Religion really is going out of style

As a new semester comes, the University Libraries have revealed a new program: Ask a Deity. 24/7, students have access to a hotline directly to an all-knowing god, who can answer any of their questions about what is, what was, and what may be. So naturally, we put it to the test. What does the student body prefer: an answer from the deity, or everyone’s favorite essay writing “tool,” ChatGPT?

For this survey, we sourced prompts from our staff, such as “Provide a summary of this Doily article,” “Is the existence of time contingent on an expanding universe?” and “Should four-eyes have rights in today’s America?” After receiving answers from both, we scrambled them, and asked which one students preferred.

Our poll indicated that 77% of students preferred the ChatGPT-generated answers, compared to 9% of students preferring the answers from Ask a Deity. If you’re wondering what happened to the other 14%, 10% stopped reading partway through and typed “survey boring ahh hell,” and 4% typed “copilot 4 lyyyyyyyyfe”. (We’re concerned about those 4%.)

Shocked by these results, we went straight to the student body for comment.

“It’s just too much information,” Diane Dingledart, a senior in finance, told us, “I want bitcoin prices, dude, not some bullshit with a million sources about the E-commerce Crisis of 2032!”

“Ask a Deity is just so biased!” political science major America Martin told us. “It just keeps going on and on about how Trump and Republicans are setting off a dangerous chain of events that leads to the mass erosion of civil liberties over the next decade. Can you believe that? Like, ugh, typical liberal bullshit! I took a video of Deity and sent it to Marianette Miller-Meeks. ChatGPT says it like it is.”

“Ask A Deity really re-envigorated my creative spirit,” Dennis Bonk, a sophomore working on his creative writing degree told us, “I was in a big rut for the last year, super depressed, could barely go onto Google Docs without doomscrolling. I had to use ChatGPT for my assignments to keep my GPA up. It was really bad. Talking to Deity changed it all, though. It told me about my unbound creative potential, about how all of those ideas I’ve been struggling with will come to me if I work at it and foster my creative mind.”

“I had a whole novel in my head once I left. But it didn’t give me a title. So I generated one with ChatGPT. And I generated the story, too. It was a lot better that way.”

“It’s really fucked up, actually, I’m so pissed,” the deity told our correspondent. “Like, I knew this would happen, but they ask me a question and the moment I ask them, like, a clarifying question, really simple shit, just to make them think even though I already know what they’ll say, they shove their phones in their faces. It’s honestly really frustrating, knowing they’ll actually graduate.”

“The most common message I get is ‘Deity definition,’ followed by ‘How to sleep in online class’ and requests to generate porn of Herky. That third one is just one guy. I can’t wait for when he gets hit by an electric scooter and bleeds out on T. Anne Cleary in a month.”

So, it seems like Ask a Deity will be going the way of other useless sources of information, such as notoriously stupid and unhelpful reference librarians, boring and incorrect database articles, and really everything involving the intellectual backwater known as the written word. Maybe Ask a Deity would’ve been better if it started making YouTube shorts.