Prez Barb Wilson Seen Fleeing Iowa With Ted Cruz This Winter; Classes Still Not Canceled

With forecasted temperatures dipping lower than even Iowa State’s rejection rate, Hawkeyes across Iowa City spent the weekend indoors. While students huddled between blankets and tuition bills to protect themselves from the extreme chill, President Barbara J. Wilson stayed warm by embracing the time-honored tradition of leaving town during a climate crisis, Ted Cruz–style.

University officials confirmed that Wilson’s departure would not impact campus operations. Through a meticulously calibrated series of seventeen Hawk Alert notifications, students and faculty were reminded that classes would be proceeding as scheduled, regardless of hypothermia risk. Professors and students alike were to “dress appropriately” and that “extreme cold builds character.”

Wilson is expected to return to campus once Iowa City becomes habitable again, pending the availability of direct flights to CID from Cancun, of course.