“Remember you are dust,” Priest Says to Crowd Actively Moisturizing

IOWA CITY, IA — Donned in violet vestments, Father John reminded the standing-room-only congregation on Wednesday that they were, in fact, “dust, and to dust [they] shall return.”

The remark, delivered during an Ash Wednesday service at the Newman Center, was met with visible alarm from attendees, several of whom reportedly interpreted the statement as a direct critique of their complexions.

A ripple of self-conscious face-touching spread through the pews.

“He didn’t have to say it like that,” whispered a sophomore who wishes to remain anonymous, while attempting to check her reflection in her phone camera. “I ran out of Drunk Elephant last week, but ‘dust’ feels aggressive.”

Church officials later clarified that the phrase is a centuries-old liturgical reminder of human mortality and not, in fact, an assessment of the student body’s skincare routines, but the damage was already done.