Report: All Faculty Has Simply Given Up
In a recent email that surprised absolutely nobody, President Wilson has shared that every faculty professor at the University of Iowa has given up on teaching for the rest of the semester. Never mind the challenging material you’re supposed to be taught right before finals: now you have to learn it all on your own!
If sitting in a lecture hall, paying attention while learning absolutely nothing (and leaving more confused than when you came in) is your thing, get ready for an exciting end of the semester! President Wilson’s email concluded that 99% of faculty do not have a teaching plan for the two weeks between fall break and finals, and the plans shared by the remaining 1% are so unintelligible that you might be better off not showing up at all.
Wilson also shared that every single office hours session has been cancelled by the university in response to this news. That question you had about the final project, or a particularly difficult homework problem, or your essay? That won’t ever get answered. You can try emailing, but President Wilson estimates that faculty auto-responders will be turned on within the next 24 hours. Good luck getting the help you need before finals week!
A spokesperson for President Wilson told the Doily Allergen that if faculty refuse to cooperate with this new inaction, Barb will take things into her own hands to ensure maximum incompetence and neglect before the most difficult part of the semester.
Happy finals season, Hawkeyes! By the way… good luck, Charlie. You’re gonna need it.