Report: Everyone Can Tell You’re Trying To Hide An Ingrown Toenail Limp On T. Anne Cleary Walkway

Nobody walks like that.

The people exiting the Chemistry Building at 11:20 AM Monday, Wednesday, and Friday know your usual walking pace. They know you can make it from Burge to Jessup in four minutes thirty. What changed?

The business majors sitting on the benches outside Pappajohn have come to expect speed and grace on your thrice-weekly trek to lecture. Today you fell quite short.

The people canvassing outside Trowbridge stop what they’re doing daily to watch you cut through pedestrians like butter, weaving and juking the electric scooters with the poise and elegance of an Olympic skier on a course of moguls.

You’ve left your fans sorely disappointed. We’d be surprised if you’d made it to class by 11:28. This half-hearted, sad attempt at a walk puts shame to your family’s name.

We know this isn’t you. There’s been a fund started to get you bi-weekly pedicures in an effort to return you to your former glory. We hope you’ll consider it.