Research Shows Band Kids Are Still Band Kids in College
Remember band kids? Those somewhat smelly, consistently unfunny, surprisingly sexually active, and frustratingly talented losers from your middle and high school years? Well, over the past few weeks, Americans nationwide have been asking, “Wait, are they still like That?” In order to answer this burning question, The Doily Allergen went undercover at a Hawkeye Marching Band practice to study their current behaviors, senses of humor, and deodorant usage.
As we arrived on the scene, the Marching Band was rehearsing a tear-jerking rendition of Fein by Travis Scott. We sat across the field in awe, rethinking our lives and feeling the true meaning of Christmas. We thought, surely, these couldn’t be the same kids from middle and high school, right? Unfortunately, we were wrong.
When they went to take their water break, we made out the faint sound of Megalovania from the Undertale soundtrack. It couldn’t be real life, we thought; it had to be a fantasy. But we were caught in a landslide with no escape from reality. As we began to mourn, we opened our eyes, looked to the sky and saw the drum major on his platform applying deodorant. At last, we had found somebody to love, and for a moment, there was hope.
They returned from their water break and kept rehearsing hip-hop songs, careful not to play the n-word. After a few hours, the rehearsal ended and we, under pressure to do our journalistic duty for the American people, decided to interview the queen of every marching band, the piccolo section leader. As we approached her, out of the corners of our eyes, we saw a trumpet player dab. Like, actually dab. In 2025. Another one bit the dust.
We are heartbroken to report that band kids, though they now wear deodorant, are indeed still like That. As former orchestra kids, we wished our musical counterparts had grown from their old ways and become civilized like the rest of us. If you’re reading this as an adult band kid, just remember it’s never too late to convert to string instruments.