Rizzler Spotted in Campus Tour Group

He’s here.

There has been hysteria all across campus as Christian “The Rizzler” Joseph was spotted on T. Anne Cleary this morning, and Iowa City can’t seem to get enough. A heavy security presence blanketed the entire stretch of T. Anne as the Rizzler and his retinue went on a campus-administered tour.

In his outing to the “Intro to Coloring books” class held in Tippe, The Rizzler was anointed a business analytics degree on the spot. He is being praised as the first student in Tippie College of Business history to color inside of the lines on his first-ever try.

His next outing was to the unreasonably distanced English and Philosophy Building. Bored with his tour guide’s useless ramblings of the writer’s workshop history, he got frustrated with the plethora of literature magazines and journals we have on campus. He went to each meeting, one by one, viscously mogging each exec and officer board. With this show of dominance and alpha energy, each literature magazine on campus has now been forcibly amalgamated into a “Mogmazine,” with the Rizzler as president and chief editor. The Mogmazine will be open for submissions coming Fall 2026.

The final stop for the Rizzler was his arrival in Burge Residence Hall, where a feast was prepared for his hourly lunch. AJ and Big Justice were seen accompanying our hero as they ate the Burge C-Store and Marketplace out of business, with not even a crumb of vegan brownie spared. There were 42 casualties. Orbiteries will be published in one to three business days.