SCOTUS Deems Frat Weddings Legally Binding

In a shocking 8-1 decision, the Highest Court has declared frat weddings meet the constitutional requirements of matrimony, granting full legal recognition to ceremonies conducted in crowded basements between rounds of beer pong.

Under the Court’s new framework, key elements of a valid frat wedding include:

• An officiant who has seen at least three episodes of Better Call Saul

• A first kiss with way too much tongue

• Documentation of the event (exclusively via blurry Snapchat videos with captions like “NO WAY 💀💀” )

• A bouquet toss replaced by hurling a dead Geek bar into a crowd of disoriented witnesses

• A legally binding “wyd?” text sent within 24 hours to reaffirm the union

Justices noted that vows beginning with “I swear, bro” are “not ideal, but sufficiently binding when repeated twice.” Additionally, the Court emphasized that “chanting ‘KISS! KISS! KISS!’ constitutes a form of collective witnessing long recognized in Anglo-American law.”

In his dissent, Brett Kavanaugh—drawing heavily from his own fraternity-era understanding of matrimonial law—warned that if the majority’s standard were applied consistently, he himself would be “legally married at least seven, possibly eight times, depending on whether Chi O’s Winter Formal counted.”

Iowa’s own Barb Wilson has generously offered the guest room of the President’s Mansion for any newlyweds who want to consummate their relationship with a Hawkeye twist.