Sign Guy Adds “Four-Eyes” to Sign

Following his triumphant return from the land of the dead, the Burge Sign Guy has carefully reviewed his list of those who shall be banished to Hell, and today discovered a major omission: four-eyes. Thankfully, he made haste to correct this error. Long a terror upon all things good and natural in society, four-eyes have finally been recognized by Iowa City’s preeminent prophet as the scourge they are.

As a journalistically neutral organization, The Doily Allergen has no official opinion on the status of speckies. However, any objective reporting must recognize the triumph that it is for such a grand figure as the Sign Guy to finally condemn the disgusting baseness of the four-eyed community. In the hours since this change, every local church—with the exception of the most extreme leftist religious institutions—has issued a statement endorsing the Sign Guy’s messaging.

“While we disagree with His Holiness the Sign Guy on many issues, such as homosexuality, abortion, and trans rights,” wrote the First Antispectacular Protestant Church of Iowa City in an Instagram caption, “we applaud the commitment of the Resurrected Messenger to supporting the omnipresent battle against the corrupting influence of four-eyes on our world. His justice must be echoed across all of Christendom.”

At the Sign Guy’s latest signholding, a Doily Allergen reporter bore witness to a speckie attempting to engage the Guy in a debate. The results were as predictable as they were joyous. The Sign Guy, blessed by God through his resurrection to cast divine judgment upon the sinful, spoke but one word: “Shatter.”

Immediately, the four-eyes’ glasses broke into a hundred pieces, cutting into the grim creature’s skin and drawing blood as they fell to the ground. Even the metallic frames were rent apart and crushed beneath the Sign Guy’s boot a moment later. The speckie was left sobbing and blubbering as she fell to her knees, grasping about to compensate for her lack of vision. The human beings at the scene all broke out into applause, whooping and cheering for the celestial act they had just observed.

We reached out to the Sign Guy for comment, but he simply showed us his sign, pointing with both satisfied glee and noble power at the new addition. It speaks for itself in its glory.