Student Spotlight: Kid Who Fell Asleep in Class Can Only be Woken by True Love’s Kiss

Everyone has that one kid in their class who can sleep through anything. Lawn crew hacking down a bush? He’s fast asleep. His professor’s mic crackling? Out like a light. Those tornado sirens that just won’t shut the fuck up? He’s sleeping like a baby. This type of student leaves everyone wondering how a teeny tiny lecture hall desk is more conducive to sleep than a nice warm bed.

Except this student is different. Last week, a concerned student noticed sophomore Sami Sleeper hadn’t woken up at the end of class like usual. “Somehow he always seems to know when class is about to end and pops up like a daisy,” Claire Welche told a Doily reporter, “but no matter what I did, he wouldn’t wake up.”

Welche confirmed she tried, “giving him a wet willy, dumping water on his head, loudly saying happy hour was starting, and even gently nudging him.” Nothing seemed to work. When Welche reported this sleeping student to her Intro to Soothsaying professor (whose class Sleeper fell asleep in), he declared the student was cursed.

“It’s quite common, actually,” Professor Whim told us. “The boy can only be woken by true love’s kiss! I can’t believe it happened right under my nose. Now we just need to find his true love!”

The takers thus far of people willing to kiss the sleeping Sleeper have been… low to say the least. With the new knowledge that he was a computer science major, well, he probably reeked, and every day he stays asleep, he gets smellier and smellier. (And yes, all of us tried. For the plot, of course. How else would we know how rank he is?)

Our thoughts go out to Sami Sleeper’s family today, but, more importantly, to every class that uses that lecture hall until his true love sucks it up and smooches him.