Student Spotlight: Man Who Knows You Better Than You Know Yourself

Picture this: you’re sitting alone at a bar, enjoying a crisp Angry Orchard (please sponsor us), and some asshole starts disturbing your peace. Awesome, right? Who needs silent reflection? Not this girl! Sitting alone at a bar is an invitation, and he’s hitting RSVP baby! Hey, at least you don’t really have to do anything, he’s talking enough for the both of you! But that’s because he knows you. Like, really knows you. As a matter of fact, he knows you better than you know yourself.

Sure. Like okay, sure. Whatever man. Obviously no one knows you better than you. No one knows your next move or how much you love Angry Orchard Crisp Imperial Hard Cider.

Except this guy.

We interviewed the man on campus, Tom Marvolo “Bloodhound” Riddle.

Tom is an expert in “the art of knowing.” He identifies as an “insightful empath” but not a psychic. “I thought about getting into crystal balls, readings, and all that stuff, but I get way more girls this way.” When asked if he considered himself clairvoyant, he said he “doesn’t know anyone named Claire.”

Isn’t he such a charmer?

Tom first realized he had this gift last semester. “I saw this girl sitting all by herself at one of those small tables along the wall at TCB’s. I was just drawn to her, ya know?” No Tom, not really. “Anyway, I started talking to her and asked her how her rumspringa was going. She freaked out. She was like ‘oh my god how did you know I’m on rumspringa???’ like I just knew!”

Tom graciously allowed us to observe his interactions this past weekend, while we took detailed notes.

Thursday, March 26th, 8:00 PM:

Dear Diary,

Here we sit, collectively sipping on an ice-cold Angry Orchard. It’s a beautiful night, and Riddle is simply buzzing with excitement. He hasn’t locked in on anyone yet.

Hold that thought. He appears to be locked in on someone now. She’s sitting alone and clearly busy, maybe doing homework. Headphones on. Surely he’ll leave her alone?

Wrong. Swear he just said: “She’s got a real ‘woe is me vibe’ I gotta get over there.”

This poor girl.

Oh my poot, get a load of this. We thought he was just going to approach her but he stopped at the jukebox and turned on One Less Lonely Girl. Yeah. Okay okay he’s walking up to her now.

Looks like he’s doing alright… She hasn’t thrown her drink in his face, yet. Wait, she just hugged him??? She’s laughing at something he said?? Oh my god she just kissed him on the cheek?????

Riddle has returned.

He said, and we quote, “Don’t let anyone tell you it’s weird how much you love magic. Sleight of hand IS sexy. Jesse Eisenberg was super hot in Now You See Me 2.” And that’s when she hugged him. Then he “offered to be her assistant.” Because, “I’d let that girl saw me in half.” We would too, though.

Anyway, then he said, “Not many girls can pull off the top hat and bowtie combo, but on you, my dear, it’s magical.” So that’s when she kissed him on the cheek.

MY DEAR???? Aca-scuse us???

Like, she gave him her number. He’s texting her right now. They’re doing the “we’re so cute we text each other from across the room even though we’re with other people.” Barf. They keep looking up at each other and giggling. What’s so funny!!

Right is left. Up is down. What the poot is going on????

There he goes, ditching us for some hot magician. Maybe she’ll saw him in half.

Whatever, man. We’re leaving.

Friday, March 27th, 10:45 PM:

Dear Diary,

Joining Riddle a little later tonight. Yesterday was a bit too taxing, and we need our beauty sleep.

We are perched on the curb tonight, observing Riddle as he “works the line” at Sports Column.

He’s killing tonight. Fit is fresh. Eyebrows on fleek. Is that contour?? Okay Riddle!! We see you!!

He is approaching a group of baddies in line now. Oh, he’s in the zone. It’s magical watching him work. We think we’re falling for Riddle.

What the hell?? Lock in. Journalistic Integrity.

So Riddle’s approaching this group of baddies. It’s four or so girls who appear to be with their boyfriends. The boyfriends all have at least a foot on Riddle, but he’s not backing down. There he stands, chopping it up with all four of them. This guy knows how to work a crowd.

Riddle’s leaving now. Four baddies on his arm. Boyfriends are dumbstruck. Our socks are blown off. The entire line is actually clapping. What a legend.

It’s 1:30 AM now. We’ve moved to a nearby porch because that curb was not good for our knees. Several Angry Orchards deep. Man those things sure are good.

Riddle’s back. He’s wearing a bald cap? Covered head to toe in blue paint. Damn he looks good. Sorry. What the hell is going on?

Mr. Steal Your Girl over here starts spewing this insane story. Riddle and the baddies left with him after he asked if they wanted to “form our own Blue Man Group.”

They went to his apartment, got all blue, put on bald caps, and performed Drumbone.

The four baddies were Blue Man Group superfans. They invited him to their private performance in Las Vegas this summer.

This experience has taught us a lot. Mainly that we need to get a grip. Also, this guy knows you better than you know yourself. We wish you well Tom, and we thank him for letting us experience the magic. We are in love with you. And you, man, know your place. You do not know her better than she knows herself. Only Tom does.