Student Spotlight: The Skateboarder Eating Shit Between All Your Classes
School can be pretty boring sometimes. Midterms are crushing as always, the dining hall food is as bland as ever, and your talking stage has been drier than Brothers on a Monday. We are all looking for excitement, some sort of glimmer to light up our day and remind us that life is worth living.
Enter that poser skater boy who always seems to eat shit right in front of you as you walk to your Intro to Sociology class. He’s always in his baggy ripped jeans, chipped black nail polish, and clad in rusted jewelry sourced from the ethical factories of Shein. Unlike your nightmare Hinge situationships, you can rely on his consistency. You can always count on him practicing his shuvits right on T. Anne Cleary Walkway, giving you front row seats for when his manual slips, sending him tumbling down to the stained grave of our beloved piss rock.
We at the Doily adore this saint of Iowa City, and have obtained exclusive interview rights to the man who makes this city livable. Meet “Slater Maverick,” the man you always skirt at nonchalantly when his board malfunctions. He knows you laugh at his slams, but he doesn’t seem to care that much. He’s always there. And he does it for you.
DA: So, Maverick, you take some pretty hard slams. What’s the most serious injury you got while shredding down T. Anne Walkway?
Maverick: I was practicing my nollie on those weird, shitty ass brick things next to the chemistry building. I broke my leg after a hard slam and the bone was sticking out. Didn’t go to the hospital or anything, cauterized that shit with a lit cigarette.
DA: Do you do this for yourself, or for the validation of others?
Maverick: Yeah, I do it for women. And the men sometimes. I admit it, I’m performative, but they love me for it. Some girls try to help me up whenever I slam, but I always ghost them a day later after we get to talking. I just need to feel something, you know?
DA: Any tips for the concerningly increasing number of performative, shit-eating skateboarders?
Maverick: Learn how to fall, don’t wear a helmet, and make sure to always mention that you listen to Deftones. The girls LOVE that.
So there you have it, folks. We at the DA recommend pursuing skater boys with caution, because life is not like an Avril Lavigne music video.