Study Shows Tall Guys are Employed by the University to Walk Slow

(Specifically in front of you)

This semester, you might have noticed that there are some especially tall guys about. They could be student athletes, sure, but that doesn’t seem to check out. This is because they’re so damn slow.

Walk with us here. You’re in the dining hall, or on the way to class. You’re cutting it close on time because of poor schedule planning, right? And then there’s this guy in front of you who is two heads taller than you, strolling like he’s an old man spending his afternoon at the park.

Studies from the University of Iowa Department of Personal Experiences have shown that the taller a student is, the more likely they are to walk exponentially slowly in front of you. This is corroborated by years of recorded instances with no discernible explanation.

Are these students used to electric scooters? Are they saving their full walking capabilities for a recreational activity? Or could they be personally inconveniencing you… As a conspiracy?

Walk with us here, again, a little faster this time. Why do they rush so little? What stops them from hustling through campus? They must be on a different grind—employment. By who? The university. Why? To support Big E-Scooter.

Nobody will mess with you if you shoot down the sidewalk on an e-scooter. Like, sure, it’ll annoy everyone you nearly mow down. But they’ll jump out of the way. Plus, the school’s full of bike racks and ramps. Who else is using them? Those slopes can get too steep for a wheelchair.

Now see if you can keep up with us here. If tall guys walk slowly in front of someone, and it makes them late, they’ll be more likely to get a skateboard or scooter. Then those victims will now walk around leisurely, unburdened of relying solely on their legs to get them to class. Then more people will be subject to slow walkers. And so on.

Evidently, the horrific end result is dining halls slowing to a crawl, and students being flattened by e-scooters at all-time rates. Be suspicious of your local tall guy. Be extra suspicious if he’s slow. The pay just can’t be that good.