Stupid Idiot Falls for Fool’s Spring Once Again

“You know, maybe the groundhog was wrong this time.”

“I can’t believe winter’s already basically over!”

“This bar crawl shirt looks so fucking good on me.”

It’s that time of year where one can find thoughts like these swirling through the midterm-addled student’s mind. An afternoon in the low fifties may lead one to think that there’s a bright, sunny day lurking right around the corner; that fresh flowers will spring up from the brown grass and dry soil, bathing the gloomy T. Anne Cleary walkway in life anew.

However, it’s necessary to remember that these thoughts are nothing but LIES. Sure, it was sweatshirt weather five days ago, but can one really expect consistency from a schooling environment? Not a chance.

Don’t be like this stupid idiot. Charles “Chud” Udden, third-year geographical and sustainability sciences major, was in for a rude awakening when he realized that he couldn’t just rawdog his walk to class coatless like he wanted to. Plus, he had already packed up his ordinary winter jacket for the season.

Instead, the chump had to put on this sad, limp puffercoat that used to belong to his estranged older brother, bringing a ton of complex, bittersweet emotions to the forefront of this mind.

“I really thought it would be different this time around,” Chud says. “I hear about climate change and global warming and think that the winter months will keep getting shorter and shorter. But maybe I’m just hoping…”

He pauses, looking forlornly to the side. “Winter months are always the hardest.”

Wow. What a stupid idiot. You’d think he would have learned something in his classes. Maybe next time he’ll resist the lies and whims of Big Weather. Or take the iron and Vitamin D supplements he was prescribed.

At the Doily Allergen, we wish you all the best until real spring comes around. After that, we’ll wish you all the worst. Through all the temperature changes and out-of-nowhere snowstorms just remember: the young men of Iowa City will continue pulling up to class in shorts. Let them be an inspiration to us all.