Sunset Club Storms the Old Capitol, Holding a Historic January 6th Memorial.
This morning, at about 8:30 am, sleeper agents affiliated with the Sunset Club were activated in and around the Old Capitol. The University of Iowa’s Sunset Club, known for being a hotbed of radicalized extremists, has stormed and taken control of the building. In a matter of minutes, campus security was overrun and forced to retreat to Macbride.
The most controversial club on campus, The Sunset Club was designated a terrorist organization by Barbara Wilson just this past September. With their status tarnished, members were forced to convene underground and out of sight of the outside world, looking at their precious pink and orange clouds and thinking evil thoughts.
Iowa Campus Police tried in a vain attempt to scramble a response, but the Sunset occupation of the Old Capitol building remains firmly lodged in the midst of fierce urban fighting. In the face of an embarrassing operation, which resulted in more than five dozen casualties to security forces, police chiefs Lucy Widerhold and Dustin Liston were forced to resign. Further discourse strikes campus forces after leaked documents show that the Sunset Club has been preparing this offensive for months on the alternative messaging site Telegram.
Video of leaked footage inside the Old Capitol building shows members holding memorial services commemorating the 2021 January 6th incident, and linking their causes in a propagandized effort to make the Sunset Club the legitimate administration of the University of Iowa. Dozens of Sunset Club members carried candles and gave speeches describing casting a “sunset” over our current University administration, and raising an even stronger cabinet that can combat subversive Ivy League and Iowa State influences.
Yik Yak and Twitter are abuzz with students providing sympathy for fallen security officers and condemning the occupation and memorial.
Faced with this threat, Barbara Wilson has instituted a temporary draft of eligible students and has expanded her executive powers, resulting in a campus-wide purge of senior staff, much like the political rearrangements of Stalin’s Russia and Hussein’s Iraq. Leaks report that Herky himself has been the first victim of the purge, as his current whereabouts are unknown.
In spite of these interesting times, we at the Doily Allergen will provide the utmost quality of war news and casualty reporting, right from the front lines. We have nothing to fear, after all. Nobody shoots journalists wearing “Press” vests, right?