Tall, Beautiful Lady Eats Boyfriend Who She Only Kept Around to Fuck, Says Spiders Were Inspiration
A University of Iowa student, senior Brad Stewart, has been pronounced dead after having been reported missing for many days. The cause of death is reportedly cannibalism.
According to investigators, Stewart’s “tall, beautiful, stunning, flawless” girlfriend, Bella Jadid, ate him alive last week after a session of rough sex. It’s unclear what her motive was, but Jadid had taken a retreat to a spider-infested cave over the summer. When she returned, she reportedly acted strange, insisting on sex numerous times a day while also belittling Stewart, claiming she was fed up with his “shitty dick game.” Jadid is currently being held in the Iowa City Sheriff's office.
Female spiders are known to cannibalize their mates before, during, or after copulation. This is usually for dominance and competitive purposes. A female spider may eat her mate in hopes of finding a stronger and/or more attractive male. Investigators believe that Jadid drew inspiration from this bizarre mating ritual to enact on Stewart.
This crime follows the disappearances of multiple other young men in the Iowa City area. Evidence shows that all of which also had sexual relations with Jadid. Friends of Jadid informed The Doily Allergen that, every once in a while, Jadid’s stomach would be mysteriously “ugly-loser-boyfriend-shaped.” While a connection between these disappearances and Jadid’s alleged cannibalistic instincts has not been confirmed, investigators have reportedly grown suspicious.
Police reports also show that Jadid has a past criminal record of multiple accounts of domestic abuse. She was known to beat her boyfriends regularly—usually when they said something stupid, when they couldn’t get hard, when they wore a stupid outfit, when they embarrassed her, or oftentimes just for the fun of it.
We asked some other UI students for their thoughts on the incident. Some were quick to criticize Jadid. “You know, this is what’s wrong with females nowadays,” said Senior Peter Quaid, a friend of Stewart’s. “They don’t get their way, so they resort to crazy shit like this. What if the roles were reversed? The media would be in an outrage.”
However, other students (coincidentally every woman we spoke to) were not as upset. “Wait, so what’s the problem?” said Freshman Sarah Thompson.
The Doily Allergen was unable to get a statement from Jadid, but authorities have informed us that she never even liked Stewart; she simply kept him around “for a good fuck.”