Top 5 Most Embarrassing Graduation Ads You Paid Us to Run

Recently, we here at The Doily Allergen announced that we would be running graduation ads for parents to place about their offspring. We truly didn’t think anyone would be so doltish as to actually take us up on it. Really, students, we didn’t! But despite costing up to $300 per ad and being an obviously stupid, possibly infantilizing, and lethally mortifying idea, dozens upon dozens of the washed-up, overly sincere family members reading this paid us to mortally embarrass their children and loved ones.

You may say we didn’t have to actually run them, but how could we say no to raising enough money to finally buy our new superyacht and fill it with silk doilies embroidered with gold thread? Besides, we never leave a customer unsatisfied.

Below are the five worst examples, collected for your reading displeasure.

5. Cashus Moneypants of Ames, IA

At least this family had the integrity to be honest about their intentions.

4. Bryce Brim of Brimsville, MN

We can’t tell quite what the Brim family’s deal is or why they apparently own a town, but it sounds like this kid’s got a lot on his shoulders. Or his head, rather. It’s a cool hat and all, but we have to wonder whether he’s ever had much choice in life about whether or not to wear it.

3. Episcopalia Nevertheless of Aurora, IL

Sorry, but do you really need to publicize your daughter’s holy quest to strike down Satan and bring salvation upon humanity in the name of God? Just seems a bit gauche, no?

2. Gerald of Cape York, Australia

This frog was already subjected to far too much attention during his four years here for being a frog. He doesn’t deserve the humiliation of being shown off to everyone in any ad, let alone one full of such saccharine language. Besides, he won his hopping match against Iowa State more than a year ago.

1. Viola Fiscalyear of Ames, IA

We complained about mawkish language in the previous entry, but hoo boy, we were not ready for this one! Not only did Fiscalyear’s parents laud their grown daughter in revoltingly childish terms and mention her exact course of studies, they also had to let all her non–business major friends know that her family still uses their weird, ancestral business major calendar and haven’t yet assimilated. Then, somehow, it gets worse: they found a way to rope in the ancient blood feud between the Houses of Fiscalyear and Moneypants. They then schemed in a manner unbeknownst to us to have their heiress’ ad placed directly beneath that of the Moneypants’ own former heir. And to top it all off, the Fiscalyear parents told us in confidence that Cashus and Viola are bitter exes, “Romeo and Juliet–style but without the murder, yet.” Talk about awkward!

We hope you freaks hated this compilation of your five worst graduation ads, all placed on one half-page together as the seat of dishonor it is. Look out for all your other disgustingly familial ads coming out in our final print runs for the end of the semester!