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  • Tessa Ramsden

5 Ways to Retaliate Against Your RA When They Catch You Drinking

angry Candace from phineas and ferb

It’s a scene many college students are familiar with: you stumble back home to your dorm after a fun night out with friends, only to find your RA — barely a year older than you and much more sleep deprived — waiting outside the elevators like Candace from Phineas and Ferb to ask, “Where were you tonight?”

But never fear! We here at the Doily Allergen know how frustrating this predicament is, and we’re here to provide you with five guaranteed ways to make the Captain of Catlett pay for their snitching.

1.Uno Reverse

If they think they’re so high and mighty, why don’t you just ask them right back? A quick and sober sounding “Where were YOU tonight?” will definitely send your RA scampering away, unless you were to discover they’ve been sleeping with that cute third-year Brad who lives down a floor.

2. Act Homesick

This will work better further into the semester, as your RA may think at first that they’ve received lots of influential and impactful training when they spent two weeks living in the dorms early and alone, but after a while they will realize it was all random bullshit. The only thing they really got out of all their team-building exercises and forced vulnerability is an idea of how to comfort homesickness.

When your RA sees you trashed in the middle of the night, you can pivot their anger to concern with a few sobs and lines about how much you miss Mommy and Daddy. Unfortunately, you will need to endure at least 15 minutes of encouraging statements and awkward eye contact, but after that you will be scot-free!

3. Steal The Condoms

Why else do you think they always go missing? If you can’t get out of the glorified pink slip-esque write up in the moment, just steal all the condoms out of that plastic case. The RAs don’t pay for them out of their own pocket, but they do have to go ask their Hall Coordinator for more, which is a hilarious mental image.

4. Give them a One-Star Rating

If they’re going to act like a mini professor, you might as well give them everything that comes with it. Did you know that you can add professors to Rate My Professor? Submit your RA and give them a one star rating for a communications course, because clearly they don’t understand the societally accepted communication of “snitches get stitches.”

5. Vandalism

Let’s say this RA is a repeat offender. Let’s say they’ve written you up enough times that you’re in danger of losing your scholarship. Let’s say this smarmy asshole seems to have a vendetta against you and your friends for having a nice time every once in a while. If you need to go to extremes, there’s nothing more extreme than a little vandalism of the floor they are supposed to “serve and protect.” And trust me, I’ve seen enough unprompted vandalism to be able to give you tons of effective ideas.

Set off a firecracker in the bathrooms, perhaps, or smack the exit sign as you try to tap the top of it hard enough to shatter. Maybe, if you’re feeling really devious, you can even mess with one of the goofy signs the RA put on their door to tell people if they are “in” or not like the world’s worst doctor. It’s up to you, but remember that this is a last resort, as there is potential you could get kicked out of the dorms if caught. But actually, fuck the dorms, those places are shitholes, so go for it. Plus, if you don’t get caught, everyone on your floor will have to split the cost of damages, so if it’s not just your RA but your entire floor that you can’t stand, this is a win-win situation.

And there you have it! You can’t control when you run into that pesky RA, but you can control what you do about it. Maybe next time they’ll think twice about jumping on your ass for having a good time.


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