5 Mistakes Everyone Makes When Registering For Classes

New student? Just an idiot? Either way, these tips are sure to make your Spring Semester sign-up be absolutely painless. And by “painless” we mean free of bodily injury, because this is always a fucking chore.

1. Looking up an instructor on Rate My Professor, then judging their character based on a single review obviously written by a vengeful faculty member.

It’s easy to jump to conclusions on sites like RMP, but just keep in mind that every review comes with biases. Namely, when a faculty member writes a slandering review of one of their peers, failing to conceal their jealousy and lust for vengeance.

Statements like, “Professor Thomas is TERRIBLE. Lectures are lame, lacks empathy for students. A cold, callous human being. Plus, I totally saw him pick his nose once,” can paint a seemingly clear picture of an un-engaging instructor.

However, once you see that the next sentence reads, “You know who’s cool? Professor Kline. Her Media Ethics and Diversity class taught me so much about myself and the world around me. She is so sweet and caring—a truly down to earth adult who I will admire for the rest of my life. Professor T SUCKS D!!!!” it becomes frank that the review is unreliable, written by a bitter coworker who was likely a little sauced up at the time.

2. Thinking a night class might be fun and interesting.

Let me guess, you think just because it’ll be dark, chilly, and that you’re such a little “night owl,” that analyzing obscure beat poetry every Wednesday until 9pm will be fun? That somehow the time of day will make the learning environment “super chill and distinctive.”

We got news for you, it won’t. Unless by “chill” you mean -2 degrees as you walk home.

3. Forgetting to send your instructors an anticipatory email detailing your inevitable slide into depression set to occur around February 16.

We’d be remiss to not include this item in our list, and you’d be remiss not to send out a meandering email to your professors informing them that around February 16, you will begin ditching class and struggle with the most basic coursework due to a creeping feeling that none of this fucking matters.

4. Repeatedly licking the “Add Course Options” button instead of clicking it with your mouse.

Figuring out a schedule every semester can be overwhelming. With so many obligations to keep track of and university requirements to remember, students often find themselves licking the shit out of their computer screens in an attempt to register for courses.

But take it from us, no matter how many times your slobbery tongued laps the “Add Course Options” button like a basset hound, you won’t be able to finalize that schedule until you use your index finger to click down on the computer mouse.

5. Rolling a blunt and watching Breaking Bad videos essays believing it will somehow help you choose between “Introduction to Sociology” and “Ancient Medicine.”

Another common pitfall students of all experience levels run into is when they’re trying to decide between two courses that both seem interesting, and suddenly they’re packing nugs into a grinder, opening a pack of swisher sweets, and queuing up a YouTube video titled, “Breaking Bad Ending Explained Part 1: Did Walt Win Or Lose?”

As if this wasn’t enough, you will begin justifying the behavior by trying to relate your impulsive marijuana use to an “Ancient Medicine” course that sounded cool, and really stretch the bounds of common sense by thinking the Breaking Bad video essay will touch on similar topics found in the “Introduction to Sociology” class you were just about to register for. It will seem like a real a-ha moment when the video’s narrator begins to dissect Walter White’s pseudo-masculinity, but take it from us, it will be of no use when signing up for electives.