A Comprehensive List of Things We at the Doily Allergen Miss About In Person Classes
Yes, it’s comprehensive, Jacob, and no, I’m not changing it.
1. The two guys that pass a water bottle of vodka back and forth like it’s a joint.
They think they’re being subtle but they keep giggling and whispering, “All day, bro!” way too loud.
2. “I need all of us to respect this space, okay? This isn’t your bedroom.”
Now we can wear pajamas on the bottom and they’ll be none the wiser
3. Falling asleep.
It just isn’t the same over zoom, man. It looks like you’re looking at your phone and isn’t as blatantly disrespectful.
4. The hero in the row in front of me who notices I’m watching Great British Bake Off on their laptop over their shoulder and turns on the subtitles for me. Nobody wants a soggy bottom, Tamal.
Nadiyah you’re doing amazing sweetie.
5. “This is a technology free zone.”
What’s up, now, Gerald? Try to teach Comparative Literature without a laptop, bitch.
6. The professors who bike to class breathing heavily for the first ten minutes.
“Sorry, I rode my bicycle today. I’m saving the environment. I’m a really good person.”
7. Having an excuse to shower.
Now you just walk your roommate’s dog while it’s raining and say it counts.
8. “Bringing a pet to class will not get you extra credit.”
But it really got you points with the people in your class and pissed off the pretentious wannabe TA who gave you a C on an assignment because the “tone was inconsistent.”
9. Weather being a viable excuse to skip class.
Now if there’s a polar vortex it just means we have nothing to do but go to class.
10. Roommates don’t barge into the lecture hall in MacBride to ask if they can have some of your milk.
I understand that you only have 5 minutes to have lunch but it’s your own goddamn fault for going to Tyler’s party instead of grocery shopping. I have no sympathy for you.
11. The warlock in the back row of Schaeffer.
12. Making annoyed eye contact with your class friend when that one asshole won’t shut the fuck up about his family’s trip to Iceland and how it “really influenced my journey as a writer”.
Please stop pronouncing ‘fjord’ like that, you were there for two weeks, you are not fluent in Icelandic.
13. Having reliable wifi.
Seriously, who does the university buy their wifi from? Can I go to prison for stealing one of their modems? For how long? Cause if it’s less than five years it might be worth it.
14. The TA that wears chelsea boots and beanies, carries a messenger bag, and plays Sufjan Stevens on the speakers before class starts.
They do weird shit for warm up activities, too, like making you stare at each other on the first day of class for several uncomfortable minutes.
15. The intense and completely unnecessary contest we’ve run in past years for best socks on campus.
In past years, winners have been Spongebob dabbing and skateboarding zebras.
16. Technologically challenged boomer professors who don’t know how to turn off autoplay on YouTube.
At least now most of class is wasted by them audibly clicking in complete silence for five minutes or asking “Can you guys see this?”
17. Getting our goddamn money’s worth.