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Attention Horny Hawks: Have You Registered Your Vibe Yet?

Make Sure ALL Your Devices Are Properly Connected

horny hawks

We know it’s been nearly two months since move-in day at the dorms. All your boxes are unpacked, your fridge is plugged in, and your John Travolta shrine is on proud display (much to your roommate’s chagrin). All is well. However, there still may be something you’re still forgetting: registering your personal pleasure device with UIowa DeviceNET.


Yes, you read that correctly. There’s no need to check your eyes. From dildos to vibrators to cock rings to fleshlights to blow-up dolls to even that electric toothbrush (that I know you stick where the sun doesn’t shine) are subject to the DeviceNET rules. Not even your acoustic methods can hide.


“But Doily Allergen,” you say, “These devices don’t need to connect to the internet to function. Why would I need to share their name or model number with DeviceNET?” To that, the Doily Allergen professionally responds: “What are you, some kind of secretive whore?” Connecting your masturbatory tools is part of the University of Iowa’s Sex Positivity Initiative in conjunction with our Student Wellness Program.


When questioned on the necessity of this initiative, Barbara Wilson gave a simple response: “While C’s get degrees, true satisfaction and wellness can only be achieved through O’s.” How inspirational! And so true!


You may also ask after you’ve inputted the model number of your coital companion in the MAC address slot and selected “Other” on the Device Type menu, what do you type in for name of device? Well, that’s easy: pick something really personal and descriptive. Make sure it cannot be confused with anyone else’s device. If you’re not super detailed with your descriptions, Information and Technology Services cannot make sure that you are complying with the Sex Positivity Initiative.


“Don’t worry, the names of your busting buddies will not be shared with anyone,” stated Ereck Shun, the ITS professional we interviewed. “Unless they’re incredibly funny or embarrassing. Then we’ll rank them on a tier list and put you on blast on our website.” We couldn’t agree more! Which is why we decided to also share Shun’s name despite Shun’s requests to remain anonymous. Don’t worry though, students with top rated crotch caretakers are given free Herky-branded condoms and dental dams to encourage Iowa Strong Intercourse. What a deal!


We hope this served as an informative and encouraging reminder to register your pussy and penile pleasers with UIowa DeviceNET. Next time, when you’re stroking your schlong or bopping your bean while meeting the lustful gaze of your life-sized John Travolta standee, do so while connected and safe.


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