Avatar Enthusiast Goes on Bender
After recovering from a big weekend at the bars, recent UI grad Finn Carlyle is still convinced that he has become Iowa City’s first fully realized Avatar.
“Obviously being born in the Windy City, I’m an air bender by birth, but I’ve always probably been able to waterbend. I’m a great swimmer.” Carlyle boasted, “It wasn’t until I was at DC’s Saturday that I really knew.”
Carlyle reported that DC’s bar staff was “filling up water cups with powers not yet seen in this realm” when he visited last Saturday night. “She agreed to be my waterbending master if I left a good tip on my tab,” said Carlyle. He then threw some water in a patron’s face, stating that it was “the final test from his master in water combat”. He was subsequently kicked out of DC’s for being “too powerful.”
Stumbling into the Ped Mall, Carlyle was seen smashing an empty beer bottle against the stone steps near Gene’s. “Earthbending is a challenge for me, it’s my natural opposite after all,” said Carlyle when asked why he wasn’t able to make those jazz statues come alive. “An army of stone men would really show those fire nation assholes a thing or two, but I need more practice to really master metal bending.” He continued throwing dirt around and shouting about the betrayal of “the Dai Li agents.”
Witnesses say they saw him struggling with a lighter in front of Dublin Underground and muttering to himself about all of those fucking cabbages. When one man tried to talk to him, Carlyle began waving the lighter in his direction, warning that he could make “a fire tornado” that would “fucking destroy him.”
Later on, he went into great depths about his family’s “long air bending heritage” during a breathalyzer test conducted by Iowa City police around 4 am.
“I remember being nervous that my airbending would mess with their equipment, then nothing. I believe I went into the Avatar state. The wisdom of hundreds of generations was able to get me back home safely. Generations of Avatars before me have guided me to inner peace and outer truth. Even without a traditional animal companion, unless you count my friend Eric, I was able to travel and experience Avatar trials. That, or I passed out in my neighbor’s yard again after smoking too many Marlboro Reds and slamming tequila shots.