Barb Wilson Signs Executive Order Renaming UI to University of America

In what sources on the Board of Regents are calling a “patriotic” and “long overdue” move, University of Iowa President Barbara Wilson has signed an executive order beginning the process to rename the institution to “The University of America.” And yes, she’s keeping the always-capitalized “The.”

The President said in a statement this morning, “Iowa is a foreign Native American tribe, not a proud American name. Our beloved university should not be named after these immigrant invaders, when it could be named after the White Race which has been native to these lands for two whole centuries.”

When informed that the Iowa people have existed in this region for millennia, Wilson simply repeated her talking points, reciting a popular fourteen-word phrase. “The University of America was the greatest university in history,” she added, “and now with this new name, it will be great again.”

Our reporter then asked Wilson if she was aware that the name “America” came from the name of Florentine navigator Amerigo Vespucci. After clarifying for her that Florence is a region of Italy, the President was sent into a flying rage.

“You’re telling me this school was named after one of those godforsaken Italians?!” she bellowed, frothing at the mouth. “Those filthy fettuccine fiends are always coming here decades ago and taking our grandfathers’ jobs! Meatball-munching hooligans, the lot of them!” This tirade continued for several minutes until Wilson finally fainted in a fit of terror when someone mentioned the name “Luigi,” after which campus security promptly carried her out of the room.

In a statement released less than fifteen minutes later on Truth Social, Wilson clarified that The University of Iowa’s name would not be changed to The University of America after all, and that the whole debacle was merely a big misunderstanding. But don’t you worry, dear readers, for The Doily Allergen is on the case! We’ll get you that fun college name change you want, one way or another! Perhaps we’ll even call it the University of Allergen… (With a lowercase “the.”)