Barbara Wilson Loses Mayflower Hall in Game of Poker
In a shocking turn of events this week, President of the University of Iowa Barbara J. Wilson announced that she had lost ownership of the beloved Mayflower Residence Hall in a game of Poker. It was publicly announced last month that the University was looking to sell Mayflower Hall and build a new residence hall that could better meet the University’s student housing needs. ow, the University’s hope of recouping some of Mayflower’s value seems to have been dashed, as President Wilson lost the Residence Hall in her weekly game of Poker.
Much is still unknown about these weekly games, although many student workers have reported that they are quite a sight to behold.
“They had everything there. Sex, drugs, booze, party clowns, a medieval map of Europe, Zach Efron… Those poker things were fucking feral,” said sophmore and University catering employee Zach Brightman. “I’ve been to some ragers in my day, but those were fucking unhinged. I can’t even say half of what I saw, but let’s just say, Barb really knows how to throw a kickass party.”
It is unclear to whom President Wilson lost Mayflower Hall, as the guest list for her weekly Poker meetings has been kept secret since she started hosting them at the President’s Residence in August. Rumors have sparked that founder and former CEO of Amazon Jeffery Bezos might be Mayflower’s new big daddy, while others have speculated that famed gambling addict Elon Musk may finally have had a stroke of good fortune. When pressed about who the new owner of Mayflower Hall would be, President Wilson said:
“I just hope the new owner treats Mayflower with the love and care she deserves,” Wilson said after the devastating loss. “She really is one helluva dorm, and I’m sad to see ‘er go like this. But I guess this is the end. Goodbye, FlowFlow. We will always have the memories.”
All residents of Mayflower Residence Hall have been given eviction notices and are expected to leave before April 1st, 2023. The University has announced plans to have all students displaced from the Mayflower Hall ownership transfer move to the Old Capitol Mall. The University recently acquired the Old Capitol Mall in its quest to colonize and seize all land in downtown Iowa City. The rooms will consist of clear Glass Menagerie-type boxes for the citizens to gaze upon the poor wretches that dared to live in Mayflower Hall. However, reports have also speculated that Barbara Wilson plans to put a lien on the Old Capitol Mall and use the money to invest in what she calls the “next big thing”: a new cryptocurrency called BarbCoin. Now students and faculty across campus are left to wonder if Barbie’s insatiable desire to gamble will ever be fully realized, or if her addiction will slowly bring the University of Iowa to its ultimate demise.