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  • Mira Pappin

Best Things to Tell People When They’re High

people smoking
  1. “Bro, your eyes are so red.”

  2. “That white car has circled the block three times now.”

  3. “Human teeth can bite a finger in half like a carrot. I’ve seen it happen.”

  4. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if I was just randomly a cop?”

  5. “Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.”

  6. “Did you know that breathing is a manual process? It’s not automatic.”

  7. “Let’s watch Lord of the Rings.”

  8. “Dude, my cat seems weirdly human right now.”

  9. “We should make up a code word that we can use in case one of us is cloned.”

  10. “Bro, you’re so glonky.”

  11. “Sometimes I think I’m the only real person.”

  12. “What was your ACT score?”

  13. “Has anyone ever told you that you look just like your father?”

  14. “I’m gonna Venmo request you for half.”

  15. “Are you worried you’re gonna forget how to swallow?”

  16. “You were in my dream last night. You died. Of weed.”

  17. “Hey, hey. Come look out the window. The white car from earlier… It parked.”

  18. “Did you hear that?”

  19. “The fuck is that banging?”

  20. “Fuck. I think someone is trying to break in…”

  21. “Holy shit. Did they just break open the fucking door? Oh shit man, oh fuck.”

  22. “I think they’re here for us.”

  23. “Quick. Quick, quick! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Run! Down the stairs, out the back door, I’ll be right behind you.”

  24. “You run like old people walk!”

  25. “Shit! Don’t look back, man, keep running.”

  26. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, they’re fast. Fuck. Fuck. I can feel his breath on the back of my neck, fuck!”

  27. “C’mon, dude c’mon, we have to keep going.”

  28. “Jump the fence! Jump the fucking fence, Betty White!”

  29. “Oh shit, okay, okay. Take a breather. I think we lost them.”

  30. “No, I have no idea who that was.”

  31. “What? Quit complaining, you’re fine. I feel like shit, too.”

  32. “Wait… dude… Your shirt is all red.”

  33. “Oh my God. Your stomach… it’s bleeding.”

  34. “Hey, hey, you’re okay! It’s probably just a scratch”

  35. “Oh shit, man, come on. Get up, please, get up.”

  36. “Fuck, fuck, you’re bleeding so much. I’m gonna try to apply some pressure.”

  37. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know it hurts. I can’t move my hand. Forgive me, please. I’m so, so sorry.”

  38. “Hey, no! You gotta stay with me. Please, man! You gotta stay awake!”

  39. “Open your eyes, open yo—-”

  40. “Have you ever seen Naruto? You remind me of Sasuke.”


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