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  • Ashley Cimarolli

British Transfer Student Can’t Find a Chimney to Clean

A British child in a chimney cleaner outfit standing at the University of Iowa Pentacrest.

Womp womp. From chimney sweep to chimney creep—the only British transfer student ever at the University of Iowa can’t find a chimney to sweep. Many British students haven’t even considered applying to UIowa out of fear that they’d lack purpose without their chimney cleaning duties.

One man in particular, Oliver Hickinbottoms the Fourth, decided it was high time that he moved out of wee Britain and into the capital of the US, Iowa City. Unfortunately for Oliver, American children weren’t given the option to clean chimneys in their youth and could only admire them from afar.

Hickinbottoms arrived at Daum Residence Hall (figures) late in the semester as he thought schools met later in the fall to fit with weird European school schedules. Hickinbottoms walked into his dorm room with a dusty face, a broom, and a small newsboy hat, shocked to find his entire room was the shape of one small closet back in England. His roommate watched as he piddled around, poking at the ceiling in silence.

“Why there’s no bloody chimney in this flat, mate!” asked Hickinbottoms in the heaviest British accent his roommate Michael had ever heard. Michael, of course, was confused and scared. He moved out within the hour.

Hickinbottoms was so enraged that he couldn’t find a dirty chimney in his place of living that he went to the Office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion on campus and complained. After being rejected for his unneeded complaint by a kind woman in the office, Hickinbottoms sought out one of our reporters.

“This woman bloke was spatting rubbish but really sayin’ bugger all ‘bout the real issue ‘ere, seems this place is rather dim, innit?” Hickinbottoms said.

Our team is still attempting to find a translator to determine what exactly Oliver said here. All we know is that he is not pleased.


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