Burge Bans Residents From Watching Saltburn Due to Multiple Leaks in Dining Hall
As a result of the popular new movie, Saltburn, many leaks have appeared in the ceiling of Burge Market Place.
Saltburn depicts many explicit scenes—scenes that top the peach scene from Call Me By Your Name—including Barry Keoghan licking a certain human excrement from a bathtub, eating the crimson wave out of a girl, and engaging in sexual activities with a grave.
It appears that many viewers are getting a little too hot and heavy while watching the film because, mysteriously soon after the release of Saltburn, many leaks have appeared in Burge Market Place. Coincidence? University Housing and Dining thinks not.
UIHD has released a statement requesting students to no longer view the movie while in the dorms. Potential disciplinary action has even been suggested if residents are caught viewing the movie.
Be weary next time you walk by someone’s room and hear “There’s murder on the dance floor!” coming from inside; there may also be a puddle of a certain human excrement at the door.