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  • Doily Allergen

CAB Valentines Singles Night To Serve Wine, Absinthe – Just This Once


drunk student

The Campus Activity Board (CAB) committee in charge of planning a singles night for Valentine’s Day announced that for the first and only time, they will be serving alcohol during the event – specifically wine and absinthe.


At a press conference, CAB committee leader Nicole Addison recognized that serving a highly potent hallucinogenic beverage like absinthe may conflict with the organization’s alcohol-free mission, but explained that this particular event would be “so much better with alcohol there.”


“We tried the regular approach, but we all agreed that you can’t really plan a singles night without alcohol,” Addison said. “We figured wine was a solid one to start off with, and then Olivia P. suggested absinthe and that became the crowd favorite. Students can even mix the two drinks if they want. Normally we would strongly recommend they don’t do that. But it’ll definitely stop them from thinking about how they’re alone on Valentine’s Day, and start making them think, ‘where did that unicorn come from’, and ‘when did I go outside?’”

Addison concluded by restating that the alcohol was a one-time thing, and that CAB would be returning to their original alcohol-free activities going forward.


“I hope that’s perfectly clear. It’s more for my committee than anything else. No more booze, guys, even if the event basically planned itself once we opened that door. Remember that we’re only doing this for the single people, to take their minds off of their crushing loneliness.”

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