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  • Lily Meline

CAMBUS Driver Quits After One Too Many Bitches Cross in Front of the Bus


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A lot of people don’t know this, but when Moses wrote the Ten Commandments on those stone plates, his first draft included an eleventh commandment: “Thou Shalt Not Cross in Front of the Cambus Getting Off.” Unfortunately, this message didn’t fit on the plate, so it had to be cut. 


During the developmental stages of what would become the University of Iowa’s CAMBUS, Director Wilson DaBus heard this bit of history and knew he had to implement these words from God as the bus system’s official motto.


Since then, drivers of the CAMBUS–which, according to UIowa’s guidelines, must always be capitalized–have been trained to follow this promise at all costs. In the early days, they would do this by chasing rapscallions with brooms until they’re spooked into crossing behind the bus instead.


Nowadays, drivers aren’t allowed to leave the bus on account of too many students taking advantage of the empty seat and driving the bus into the river, so they instead uphold this tradition by swearing at the Front-of-Bus Crossers from behind the wheel. The crossers don’t always hear them due to the thick glass of the windshield, but the people on the bus sure as hell do, so at least the message is getting across in one way or another.


Unfortunately, threats from bus drivers aren’t enough to dissuade the students who are dead-set on crossing in front of the bus. This outright dismissal of the bus’s laws has led to much distraught amongst the bus-driving community, though these rulebreakers don’t seem to care! Many Front-of-Bus Crossers have been found to flaunt their defiance by haughtily strutting before the drivers’ very eyes and, in the worst instances, chucking eggs at the front windshield while blowing raspberries.


This, understandably, has proven to be quite taxing on the bus drivers’ fragile dispositions. After all, how are they supposed to uphold the sacred beliefs of Director DaBus in a society that can’t see the majesty of his vision? For one driver, this had simply become too much.


One evening, while on his usual route to Mayflower, bus driver Ron Dan Round stopped at Burge’s bus stop. As the doors opened, the speakers blared out an important reminder: “PLEASE DO NOT CROSS IN FRONT OF THE BUS.” Ron expected a student or two to disrespect the message, but he wasn’t prepared for what came next. Three students crossed in front of the bus, all without a care of the injustice they were enacting. Ron simply couldn’t believe his eyes. Did the sanctity of the CAMBUS system mean nothing to them? Was there no hope left in this world?


In a state of fury, Ron ran from the bus to chase the miscreants, shaking his fist wildly. As he reached the middle of the road, though, he realized with horror that, in trying to catch the crossers, he, too, had crossed in front of the bus. He sank to his knees and stared into the distance, cursing himself for the horrible mistake he had made. In trying to make Director Wilson DaBus proud, Ron Dan Round had disrespected his legacy to the highest degree. Tears crossed the front of his cheeks before falling to the pavement. After lying in the road for several minutes, Ron was run over by a car that had been stuck waiting behind the bus. Said bus was promptly taken over by a student and driven into the river.


We managed to track down the fateful Front-of-Bus Crosser that had inadvertently caused Ron’s demise to ask them why they did what they did. They shrugged before giving their nonchalant reply:


“Honestly, it’s just a lot more convenient to cross in front of the bus at that stop. If you cross behind the bus, you’re out of sight of people driving in the opposite lane and more at risk of getting hit. Plus, you have to squeeze in between the back of the bus and the front of the car behind it, which is super inconvenient for everyone involved. I get that the bus drivers don’t want to accidentally run anybody over, but if they wait long enough for students to get off and on the bus, that shouldn’t be that much of an issue, right? I don’t know, man, I haven’t had a full night of sleep since Spring Break, so don’t quote me on that.”


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