Catlett Dining Hall Music Decided by Confused Goldfish

Have you ever sat at the dining hall and thought midway through your meal, “why on earth are they playing this music?” Recent rumors around campus have attributed this phenomenon to the University’s psych department employing goldfish to choose the playlists.

Looking into the budget, some students noticed an assortment of goldfish had been bought over the year, and located to the dining halls to shuffle and mix playlists for the general student body.

Why? We don’t really know.

“I’ve seen people attempt to buy stocks using goldfish to make their decisions. They sometimes do better than real people.” Claire Lomard, one psych undergraduate, testified. “Is it possible then, to have goldfish shoulder the burden of the dining hall playlist and make everyone happy?”

It does not seem so. Students report dissatisfaction, if not outright confusion, to the decisions made. “Abracadabra” thrown right next to “Country Roads.” “Rasputin” followed by operatic ballads.

“The one thing I do notice, I guess,” said sophomore Dominic Scarra, “is that on BYO taco days in Catlett they’ll play music accordingly? Like, I thought I heard mariachi bands the other day. Is that weird?”

According to a private memo sent to Doily from the psych department, an additional application will soon be available on the HawkTools app. To express dissatisfaction with the music, students need to only press one simple button and an electrical pulse will be sent to the fish to change accordingly.

May this tool give students the chance to have greater input on their dining music. Or otherwise, it might create a generation of very angry goldfish.