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  • Zachary Warne

DA Actually Gets a Writer

A group of Doily Allergen writers wearing shades and drinking alcohol.

Hello Dear Readers,

It is my greatest pleasure to inform you of the latest addition to our ever-shifting staff. We at the Doily Allergen have finally, at long last, added an actual writer to our ranks. A real, living, breathing, made-of-flesh writer by the name of Jessica Handcock.

You may be thinking to yourself, “How can a reliable newspaper have this much success without any writers?” and I would be glad to inform you of our saving graces: hacking and blatant plagiarism.

We have been hacking into the Onion’s secret storage of hilarious stories about the University of Iowa (of which there are a surprising amount) and literally taking pre-written articles from them and replacing them with articles written by a certain other Iowa City-based newspaper. To our knowledge the Onion has not inspected their supply of UIowa related articles and, with luck, will not for another few years.

While Jessica Marvolo Handcock (currently residing at 320 S Gilbert Street, SSN: 078-05-1120) was desperate to get started, literally clawing at the keyboard to try and write her opening statement, we thought it more fitting to provide you with a direct quote, and give her time to adjust to our new environment.

“Give me the keyboard you illiterate asshole” - Ms. Handcock, whose mother’s maiden name is Jones, in regards to introducing herself to our readers.

Previously our staff had only consisted of editors, coffee-fetchers, Steve (from the Bunnel), and undergraduate coding majors, but now with our new writer we are more ready and willing than ever to bring you the news. Not the news that you want, maybe not even the news that you need, but the news that you deserve.

Yours truly,

Keith Myath



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