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  • Zachary Warne

DA EIC Hates the British

Text between the writer and Doily Allergen EIC rejecting an idea for a British article.

Breaking News!

The Editor-in-Chief of the Doily Allergen is confirmed to hate the British for no damn good reason.

A series of leaked text messages between the Doily’s Editor-in-Chief and a certain anonymous writer (who is not me) have revealed the secret hatred that the EIC holds for people who are directly from Britain.

Direct quotes from the controversial conversation(s) are as follows:

  • “Why the fuck would you spell favorite like that?”

  • “Do you want me to pick up tea for you for the meeting? I’ll leave it in the harbor”

  • “You’re late with writing my articles whore”

  • “Please stop pitching ‘the queen is inside herky’, we aren’t going to write that article”

  • “You’re a daft git (did I use that right?)”

  • “Is lobster-back a funny insult against British people?”

  • “Come to the DA meetings. It’s been months.”

  • “Fuck you”

As you can see from this frankly overwhelming amount of evidence, there is subtle bias against the single British writer in the staff (who is definitely not me).

Just because this specific writer enjoys the occasional beans on toast, routinely drinks imported Yorkshire Gold tea, has a fresh accent, and owns a signed portrait of the previous Queen Elizabeth the 2nd, does NOT mean they should be subject to this kind of active discrimination!

I speak to you all, dear readers, with utmost sincerity on behalf of this single writer. This injustice should not exist within the staff of our trustworthy newspaper, and so I offer you all up this form to sign, in the hopes that the almighty UIowa Admin comes down and grants us a new, impartial, perhaps even British, Editor-in-Chief.

I will keep all of you informed,

The Very American Doily Writer

Editor’s note: This was not what you pitched. Expect repercussions, redcoat.


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