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  • Doily Allergen

Daughter’s Adorable Book Collection Suddenly Huge, Inexcusable Burden

dad struggles to carry a box

According to breathless curses issued by Lyle Kellerman in an apartment stairwell, his daughter’s once charming collection of novels and history books had suddenly become a huge, inexcusable burden.

“This is absurd. A hardback copy of A People’s History of The United States, the complete works of Branden Sanderson—we think it’s cute how she sorts it all by genre and author’s surname, but so help me god if I ever see a box of World Book Encyclopedias I will hurl it in a dumpster. I deeply regret the way we encouraged Samantha to read throughout high school. Had I known buying her all those annotated Greek classics would mean lugging them up six flights of stairs, she would have gotten a damn bouncy ball every Christmas. Make no mistake, we are going to have a long talk about this ridiculous hobby of hers.”

Kellerman’s pain was abated for a second until he realized that he still had to carry in the massive oak bookshelf, boxes of consistently heavy knick-knacks, and the entire Percy Jackson series in hardcover that Samantha hadn’t picked up since she was a child.

“God Damn her. God Damn reading,” said Kellerman.

As Samantha debated the merits of sorting her collection by spine color, Kellerman reportedly ran out to the U-Haul and poured a gallon of water over the remaining books.

“It’s a shame I have to do this. She use to be so adorable curled up late at night in her little reading chair, but the sheer size and weight of this book collection is fucking unacceptable and will not continue.”


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