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This message includes information about a crime that was recently reported on or near the University of Iowa campus. The purpose of this message is to provide you with the information you need to stay safe and take any appropriate precautions.


RED ALERT: The Doily Allergen has threatened to go to the Student Engagement Fair. If you would like to keep you and your friends safe, DO NOT GO TO THE ENGAGEMENT FAIR!

We do NOT want to see you. We will have a table set up and we ask that you please do not look at us, please do not approach us, please do not speak to us. Don’t even perceive us.

The Doily Allergen has many enemies and no friends. By associating with us, you put yourself at risk of having a sack put over your head, thrown in a white van, and taken to an undisclosed location where you will be tied to a chair and interrogated.

Now that you’re convinced that you shouldn’t visit The Doily Allergen at the Engagement Fair, we suggest not going at all. Why? Because The Doily Allergen is the only organization worth going for. You may not know this, but there will be other organizations there. NONE of them are worth seeing. Don’t waste your time.

So, let’s weigh the facts:

  1. You will avoid The Doily Allergen at the Engagement Fair.

  2. The Doily Allergen is the only organization worth visiting at the Engagement Fair.

Therefore, through the geometric Kiss-My-Ass Property, it is not even worth attending the Student Engagement Fair. Get over it.


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