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  • Tessa Ramsden

Doily Allergen Resorts to AI Submissions for Dear Doily After No One Submits


In September of 2023, The Doily Allergen launched a cool new way for readers to interact with their favorite distinguished newspaper and submit their queries and quandaries to be examined. Dear Doily is a Google Form where Doily Allergen readers can bring on-campus issues to our attention and receive a published response from the Doily Allergen staff on what to do. 

The only problem with this glorious idea is that no one uses the form.

Many articles have been published over the last year with the tagline “Dear Doily,” but we have to confess that they were still written wholly by our own staff pretending to be avid fans with important questions. But the actual Google Form submission box is emptier than a grandma’s bowels before her colonoscopy. Unable to face this embarrassment any longer, the Doily Allergen has turned to AI to provide the submissions that our so-called fans never did.

Asking ChatGPT to “write Dear Abby style questions for a satirical college newspaper” resulted in 10 prompts that we will now briefly respond to, and slowly lose our minds as the power of AI produces funnier content than we ever could.

1. “Dear Doily, I keep getting lost on campus. Is there a secret map hidden in the cafeteria's mystery meat, or am I just doomed to wander the halls forever?”

  Doily: Not in the mystery meat, but the grooves in the piss rock are the real map of campus.

2. “Dear Doily, my roommate insists on wearing their birthday suit at all times. How do I kindly suggest they invest in some clothes without ruining our living arrangement?”

  Doily: Exert your dominance by having sex with them in the room, as multiple naked people clearly outrank one naked person.

3. “Dear Doily, I'm convinced my professor is a time traveler from the Victorian era. Should I be worried about the space-time continuum collapsing during finals week?”

    Doily: Go to their office hours and play a compilation of those things that would mentally destroy a small Victorian child. If they’re still coherent enough to hold lectures, you’re in the clear.

4. “Dear Doily, my significant other's idea of a romantic date is binge-watching lectures on quantum physics. Is it possible to find love in a parallel universe where Netflix and chill actually means Netflix and chill?”

    Doily: Sounds like your partner is on their way to a very successful career. Shut up and hold out for the bag, if this continues you’re set for life.

5. “Dear Doily, I'm considering joining the underwater basket weaving club, but I'm afraid of getting tangled up in a sea of drama. Should I dive in or stick to dry land?”

      Doily: Oh my god, three puns in a row! You’re so funny ChatGPT! hahahahaha

6. “Dear Doily, my RA keeps sending passive-aggressive emails about the dangers of microwave popcorn. Is there a support group for victims of snack shaming?”

       Doily: It’s not snack shaming, more likely shaming you for smelling up the floor. Some of us like the perpetual weed and BO smell, and you’re ruining it.

7. “Dear Doily, I accidentally enrolled in a class on interpretive dance theory thinking it was a workout class. How do I gracefully pirouette out of this situation without failing?”

        Doily: If you wanted to take an exercise class that wasn’t one of those cool outdoors ones like rock climbing or kayaking, any consequences are on you.

8. “Dear Doily, my study group insists on discussing the socio-political implications of SpongeBob SquarePants instead of actually studying. Should I embrace the intellectual debate or find new study buddies?”

      Doily: Sounds like someone who is allergic to joy and whimsy.

9. “Dear Doily, my dorm neighbors are hosting a petting zoo in their room. Is it too late to transfer to a quieter residence hall, or should I invest in earplugs and a hazmat suit?”

       Doily: What do you have against cute and fluffy things, ChatGPT? As long as they abide by quiet hours, that sounds like free pet therapy all year long. After all, the university will only allow you to have the comfort of petting a floofball after you suffer in an anxiety-inducing half hour line during literal finals week.

10. “Dear Doily, my professor's idea of ‘extra credit’ involves scaling the campus clock tower to retrieve a lost pen. Is this a test of my academic prowess or just a cry for help?”

      Doily: But whose cry for help is it really, ChatGPT? The imaginary professor or the robot who wrote the joke? Or the clock tower that doesn’t exist? Where does that ringing noise come from anyways?

There you have it, straight from the finest modern technology to you! Hopefully this answered some of your oh-so-relatable problems that even an AI can understand. If it didn’t, our Dear Doily form is always accepting submissions! Fill out the form below so that we can answer your actually funny questions:


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