Doily Allergen's Horoscopes for Finals Week
Leo ♌︎: 💛✨ Study, study, study! ✨💛 Your exams are a difficult trial, but they will go well as long as you concentrate your energy on reviewing material and powering through those difficult papers. Also, maybe cut back a little on the Red Bull? We’re getting a little worried about your caffeine addiction. 🌻
Virgo ♍︎: 💙🦋 You are the most prepared person for these exams! 🦋💙 Take a break and relax for a while! Not every second has to be dedicated to making study guides and Quizlets. Take a relaxing bubble bath, listen to ambient noises, smoke a fat blunt, or do a face mask. Self care is your best friend! 🧿
Libra ♎︎: 🐢🍃 Make a study group! 🍃🐢 Suffer together with your friends! Cry over practice problems! If you’re going to be miserable (which you are 💚), you may as well be miserable with your pals.
Scorpio ♏︎: 🍒🍄The stars have told us that you are so hot and sexy and thrilling. 🍄🍒 Don’t worry about finals. You’re God’s favorite creation, and literally nothing bad will happen to you. Have fun and stay risqué. 🌺
Sagittarius ♐︎: 🐸🌿 Your only option at this point is to take the test and hope for the best. 🌿🐸 We aren’t saying it’s impossible to catch up now after spending your whole semester smoking weed with your camera and mic off, but it’s probably more work than you’re willing to put in, so maybe do some light studying in between your bong rips and hope some of it sticks to the seven brain cells you’ve got swirling around up there. ✨
Capricorn ♑︎: I cannot fucking stand you. I hope you fail your exams and drop out of school in disgrace. I want you to embarrass yourself so much throughout this process that it physically hurts to look at campus. My one true wish is to know that you have to get a shitty job on campus to afford rent because your lease won’t end for another eight months, and you have to slave over your ex-classmates who awkwardly ask how you’ve been doing since you had to “take a semester off and explore yourself,” and in that moment, as you’re dreading having any more contact with people who are doing better than you, I want you to get fired for no reason. Aries gang for life! 😈
Aquarius ♒︎: 💧❄️ Drink water! ❄️💧 Staying hydrated is one of the best exam tips we can give you! If you’re having trouble keeping up with drinking water, invest in a colorful Hydro Flask and stickers from local businesses and Etsy shops! 💎 Water is literally the only reason I’m so perfect. It gave me clear skin, and you know how bad my acne was back in middle school. Plus, it helps your kidneys or liver or whatever process toxins and makes you feel healthier and happier! ✨ And don’t even get me started on how important water is for your mental health. Seriously, you need to start drinking water ASAP.
Pisces ♓︎: You are a fish. 🐟
Aries ♈︎: Could you please stop humble bragging about how easy finals are going to be for you? Christ, we get it. You’re a Creative Writing major. You only turn in “portfolios.” Good for you. Let us study in peace while you write another half-assed reflection. 🌈
Taurus ♉︎: The stars aren’t saying much about you. It’s probably because you’re a fuckin’ Taurus.
Gemini ♊︎: 🍑🧡 Now, we aren’t telling you to cheat, because cheating is wrong. 🧡🍑 We’re just saying that it might be your only option at this point if you want to keep those scholarships. You could definitely try to study, but who knows what’s gonna be on that final? Don’t cheat at all, but if you do cheat, make sure it isn’t obvious. But we would never cheat, and you shouldn’t either. 📙
Cancer ♋︎: Organic Chemistry isn’t going to go well for you, David. I know you’re thinking to yourself, Hey, the exam isn’t until 8 pm on Thursday. I have all day to study, right? WRONG. You’re actually going to lose a good chunk of that study time to scrolling through your ex-girlfriend’s Instagram, because she’s gonna hook up with your cousin and post it all over social media. And you might reason through this, saying some shit like Well, even if I can’t study, Professor Baranov is super nice, and he’ll probably toss me a couple pity points. Wrong again, David. Professor Baranov hates your guts. He’d take points off just for the hell of it if he could. The worst part about all this is you’re gonna start off feeling so confident in yourself. Questions 1 through 3 will seem pretty easy, and your hopefulness is gonna skyrocket, but the rest of those… woof. And don’t even get us started on the multiple choice. You’ll do better if you just guess. Trust us on this one. ✨💫 The stars told us. 💫✨