Doily Allergen Special Report: Hi Mom!
How is work? The family? Things are pretty good for me. I have been forced into the ranks of the Dolly Apertures, Iowa’s almost-premiere newspaper, who have promised me great riches (in the form of BarbBucks) in return for granting their viewers a few measly laughs. Naturally I accepted, as Valentine’s Day is coming up and I am in desperate need for a last-minute vampire costume.
Now I know that when I last called you, I told you that the Daily Iowan had allowed me into their ranks, but I decided to say no to that offer in order to join a real newspaper. Sure, maybe I regret not being able to write alongside distinguished writers, and maybe I still talk to the executive editor occasionally, but that is completely unrelated to any work that I may do with the unique and totally qualified staff of the Dainty Ailment.
Just writing this to give you this update, but allow me to preemptively answer a few of your questions. I have been eating well, and because I’m using the Desperate Onion’s fantastic pay, I am now able to attend the dining halls for the first time in years. Yes, I did message Grandma. Looks like her leg is all better, and that she plans to host Christmas, but will only tell you 2 weeks beforehand. No, I didn’t watch the Iowa football games. Reporting on football games falls on the shoulders of someone else who may be extremely competent at another Iowa-based newspaper that I don’t have any contact with at all.
I bet you’re wondering how I knew you’d see this article. Trust me, if you could see the same secret unleaked behind-the-scenes Dingy Ottoman knowledge that I can, then you would know. Also, I am sending this article directly to you just in case the website goes down again in the near future (hint hint).
Thank you for all the support,
Doilly Alergen Writer