Eagles Snatch First UI Student of Season

In an email to students, University of Iowa Dean of Students Angie Reams addressed the kidnapping of freshman Thomas Reilly, orchestrated by the bald eagles that live by the river.

“These eagles have been a nuisance for months. They have caused distracted drivers to crash cars, have eaten 25 beloved pets, and, on a personal note, stole my lunch one time. And now, with a heavy heart, I must report that the eagles have snatched a student: Thomas Reilly. Yesterday, Reilly was walking across the footbridge when one of those feathered bastards swooped down, grabbed his Vintage Sun-Ray Gold IOWA Crew by MV Sport™ (available at Iowa Book), and flew off into the distance. Where is Thomas now? Who’s to say? Probably with my unfinished lasagna and the bones of 25 outdoor cats. We are heartbroken over Thomas’s disappearance. Especially since he was a freshman. So young. So much unpaid tuition.”

According to ornithologist Kate Walters, the eagles are likely to target freshman because they have less beer weight and more general fear.

“This event is worrisome because now the eagles have a taste for humans,” Walters said. “We should be prepared for more attacks.”

Reams addressed this concern by explaining the university’s new preventative measures.

“We will provide rocks for students to carry in their pockets to weigh them down if/when an eagle snatches them. We will also provide everyone with a Release of Liability Form.”

Reams concluded her email on a somber note.

“Again, this was a massive bummer. Like, ugh. Ya know?”

Editor’s Note: Since yesterday, three more students have been snatched by eagles.