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  • Doily Allergen

English Major Loses Shit After Being Scheduled For Single Final


crazy english major

As of last week, the dates and times for Finals have been released. For a lot of students, this comes as no surprise. Finals week is an integral part of the college experience, during which students cry into their breakfast and wonder what it all means while studying whether they think the moral dilemma of the trolly problem is legitimate. Or some nonsense like that.


But in the world of the English major there is no “Final.” There is only a sense of finality as you turn in one last creative writing project, essay, diorama made of string and sticks you found outside, etc.


Everett Jenkins was an English major of this mindset. So when Jenkins saw that his FanFiction Writing course was scheduled to have a final exam, he lost it. Like, literally just lost his fucking shit. We’re talking frothing at the mouth, screeching like a banshee, ripping his hair out, throwing rocks at the EPB windows kinda insanity. It took three campus security guards to calm this guy down.


After his implosion, Jenkins said that he might’ve overreacted just a tad, especially since his teacher ended up telling them that was just a time they’d be using to discuss their portfolios.


“I stand by what I did though,” he stated, still bearing the bruises and scars of being tackled to the ground during his breakdown. “If just a little fella like me can change the system, that makes it all worth it.” To what system he was referring to, we don’t know. But for fear of sending him into another tailspin, there was no mention of the fact that he didn’t make a single difference whatsoever.

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