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  • Byron Ellington

Finally Going Home: The Doily Allergen Permanently Returns to Nature

doily in nature

Ah, the summer: it descends upon us, as always, like a vulture to the leftovers. Finals season is coming to a close, and thousands upon thousands of students are evacuating the town as fast as humanly possible.


But, you may be asking, where shall the beloved writers of The Doily Allergen go once the semester has finally come to a close? Will they continue living in Iowa City, providing all of us absent students with the latest and greatest up-to-date news of these collegiate halls? May I continue reading their brilliant words for the warm months to come?


Alas, no. And neither will you be able to read freshly doiled words come this fall, for our entire staff are at last well enough to be returned to the wild.


That’s right: The Doily Allergen is returning to nature, finally and forever.


Our publication has long been a refuge for ill and injured writers, too sickly or too hurt to survive in their natural habitats. For years, our on-site writerinarians have tenderly cared for us, slowly helping us regain our strength so that we could one day be reintroduced whence we came, from the deserts and mountains to the rivers and forests and plains. We came from every biome and every climate; we may even live in your backyard.


All over the country, old populations of writers will be repopulated and renewed through the seeding of our staffers across all their myriad and divers original turfs. Earth is healing. Nature is coming back.


We know this must sadden you, dearest reader, but do not be affrighted, for this was always meant to be. The Doily Allergen was always intended to shut down as soon as its writers could be restored to their natural homes. Be thankful that you have had us for so long, and be happy that our time spent in need of intensive care is over.


Thank you for reading. Goodbye forever.


xoxo,

ur fav newspaper


(P.S. If you think you see us resuming operations in the fall, THAT’S NOT US! The real Doily Allergen has made a commitment never to return to captivity. Please report any impostors to the University of Iowa posthaste.)



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