Fuck You “Hard-Drive.Net” We Wanted To Make That Joke (Also Are You Guys Hiring🥺)
It was gonna be so good. It was such a great joke. We wrote an article with the headline “Guy Who Said Pronouns Were ‘Attack/Helicopter’ Deployed to Russo-Ukrainian Border.” Who hasn’t heard one of these turd-munchers say they identify as an attack helicopter? And then we were gonna put that little Doily Allergen satirical twist on it by tying it back to a current event and it was gonna be so funny. And then we do one fucking google search and google is like “lol these guys already did it. Bet you feel real fucking clever now, don’t you Doily Doofus?”
So that’s the last straw, Hard-Drive, you hear me? You’ve retroactively ripped off our super sweet satire story one too many times (literally). Now we’re gonna declare war on you and/or submit a writing packet to your office. It’s your choice now, bitch.
You don’t want the Doily Allergen as a fucking enemy. Nah, you’d much rather have our twisted little comedy minds in your cushy writers room getting paid to come up with funny articles. We’ll burn your fucking website to the ground… from the inside… with healthcare benefits. Do you guys offer healthcare benefits? Specifically we’re wondering about dental, most of us have a nasty case of gingivitis. You wanna know how we got that, Hard-Drive? We couldn’t brush our teeth for weeks on end because we were too busy coming up with funny satire articles that it turns out you guys had already done! I guess comedy is dead! Nothing is original! Why be original when everyone and their mother has made every joke ever on Twitter? Maybe we should just quit. Yeahhhh we’ll quit making the Doily Allergen and come work for you guys at Hard-Drive. Bet you’d like that huh? You could even buy us out, how about that? We’re thinking $10,000 even, but we’re also willing to budge depending on your budget… bitch! Fuck you, piece of shit! We’d love to talk to you about the industry, right after we’re done whooping your ass!
And don’t even get us started on The Hilltop Show. You wanna-be-Ivy-League-daddy’s-money-smelly-ass-talented-at-making-satire-pieces-maybe-we-could-collaborate-sometime-motherfuckers!