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“Get back in there!”: Man Purposely Fails Rectal Exam for Hot Doctor at UI Quickcare

man confused over prostate exam

Two weeks ago, University of Iowa freshman Ian Hawke paid a visit to the UIowa Quickcare for his routine rectal exam (which he insisted be routine). However, disaster struck in the middle of the exam when Dr. Amadeus Gooch exited Hawke’s rectum sooner than expected.


“Hey!” Hawke reportedly said. “What’s the big idea?!”


Dr. Gooch informed Hawke that nothing was amiss and he was free to go on about his day.


Hawke insisted that there must’ve been a mistake and that Dr. Gooch should take another look. Dr. Gooch assured Hawke that he is a well-practiced doctor and everything appeared just as healthy as last week’s rectal exam. Hawke refused to believe Dr. Gooch.


“The truth is… he’s just so hot!” Hawke told the DA. “The only reason I get a rectal exam every week is to feel his muscular fingers fondle my prostate!”


According to Hawke, when Dr. Gooch reentered his rectum, he began to shart as hard as he could in an attempt to alarm Dr. Gooch. It did not work. Hawke was sent home disappointed.


The following week, Hawke returned to UIowa Quickcare. “Dr. Gooch! Dr. Gooch! I think I have rectal cancer!”


“No, Ian. We checked last month. We don’t need to check again.”


“Uh, I’m bleeding from my asshole!”


“No.”


“Urinary incontinence!”


“No. We’re not giving you a rectal exam.”


Having played nearly all his cards, Hawke pulled out his secret weapon: “I had unprotected sex with a man! I think I have HIV!”


Dr. Gooch sighed in defeat and took Hawke into his office.


Once inside, Dr. Gooch handed Hawke a long bag with a thin, wooden stick and a test tube inside. “Here’s your rectal exam,” Dr. Gooch said.


“What’s this shit?”


“It’s your rectal exam.”


“You’re not doing it manually?!”


“I refuse to keep this up.”


Holding back tears, Hawke snatched the bag from Dr. Gooch’s hand and waited for him to leave the room. He pulled the stick out of the bag. It was long, skinny, and sharp. The bag also had a pamphlet instructing Hawke how to insert the stick inside himself.


Slutty, dissatisfied, and depressed, Hawke obliged with the instructions, completed his manual rectal exam, and never returned to UI Quickcare.

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