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  • Doily Allergen

Guy In Front Of You In Lecture Hall Looking At Snakes For Some Reason

snake man

During lectures, it’s natural for students to fiddle on their computer. They look at their various Pinterest boards, shop on Shein for quality party clothes, or try to revive their Webkinz they have been neglecting since 2009.

Student Megan Albright has noticed one of her peers has a more peculiar habit than mindlessly scrolling on their laptop. Her classmate, Steven Peters, is obsessed with snakes. She approached regarding her concern with his activity, in the hopes that we could engage in some good old investigative journalism.

“Every day in my health policy lecture he whips open his laptop, and has at least ten tabs open, with images of snakes plastered across his screen. He then takes out a notepad, and writes pages upon pages of notes. I believe the notes are about the snakes, but I can’t say for certain,” Albright told us.

Albright’s friend, Raymond Hare, told us he has noticed Peters’ obsession with snakes.

“One day, I was sitting next to him in lecture and I saw something moving on his screen. Out of curiosity, I looked over, and there was this man and a cobra and the man was slithering on the ground like a snake, in tandem with the cobra. It was like he was mimicking the reptile’s behavior; Steve found it super interesting apparently,” Hare said. “He was watching so intently, like he was in a trance. I’m not trying to spread rumors about the guy, but I swear to god I saw him stick out his tongue and flick it like a snake while watching the video. He’s a peculiar fella, for sure.”

I thought Peters’s bizarre behavior needed a little looking into, and for god’s sake I was just curious as hell to find out what he was up to with all that snake research. I bravely volunteered to attend Albright’s health policy lecture to get to the bottom of his snake fascination.

When I arrived at the lecture, I made sure to take the seat right next to Peters. I wanted to show him we had a common interest, so he would trust me and possibly confide in me about his activity. So, I opened my laptop and the first thing I googled was “large scary snake”. He was already looking at pictures of snakes and frantically writing notes. I decided to engage Peters with reptile talk.

“Oh my gosh, you like snakes too? What’s your favorite species?,” I asked Peters. Without stopping his note taking, he said, “corn snakes.”

Upon hearing the word corn, I performed the vocalizations from Korn’s “Freak on a Leash” (da boom na da noom na namena), but my attempt to befriend him failed. So I followed it by saying “Wow that’s awesome. So, why do you like snakes so much? What are the notes for?”

Peters abruptly stopped his note taking and stared at me directly in the eyes. His pupils narrowed and stretched vertically until they took up his whole eyeballs. He stuck his tongue out, which was forked, and made a hissing sound as he did so. In an instant, Peters dropped to the ground, lying on his stomach and started slithering away from me and out of the lecture hall.

That was one of the most fucked things I had seen in my life. To be honest, I would have been more content if he was a furry and he decided on a snake being a part of his fursona. I would have even been content if he was attracted to them in some way.

Later that day, a HawkAlert was sent out. It said “student bit in west side dorm by human-snake hybrid”. I suspect Peters was the culprit, and I plan to assemble an elite team of snake wranglers to put a stop to his dangerous reptilian activity on campus.


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