Guy Who Ate Soup All Semester Did Better on the Final Than You

HOW DID HE DO IT??

Look, we’ve all been there. 

Reports from all of your professors came in this week, and yup, that guy in the back of class who never even considered sharing his fresh, lukewarm Chicken Noodle from the library cafe did way better on the exam than you did. Best in the class, even. 

He knew way more about medieval guilds than you, just like he knew it was too small of a classroom to always have chili or tomato soup or another fragrant stew. God forbid he also brought a grilled cheese wrapped in absolutely deafening paper to go with it. But he did it anyway. That hungry son of a gun.

Each class you thought surely, he remembered to eat before class today. Surely, he knew your class didn’t even meet during a meal time. But each class, as your professor launched into the plan for the day, you heard the tell-tale snap of a container opening from behind you. You came to expect it—love it, even! 

By the time finals week rolled around, this confusing ritual had become clockwork comfort to you. Obtusely, you assumed he had no time to take notes in between bites. You thought there couldn’t possibly be room on his desk for a laptop. You had no idea what was to come.

Really, it was inevitable. You realized too late that whenever the slurping stopped, it meant he was raising his hand to ask a thoughtful, insightful question. How did this happen, you wondered? Did he write the test answers on his recyclable, broccoli-cheddar-stained to-go bowl? If you eat the same flavor while studying and taking the exam, does it help you remember better? Has he devised a soup-centric strategy for learning??

When interviewed, the only answer this soup-sucking savant offered was, “Jealous??” He declined to comment further, as he had just enough time before his next final to get some more soup.