HAWK ALERT: Student Apprehended for Being in Possession of Academic Weapons

The University’s main library is under complete lockdown after the Iowa City Police tip line received notice that a student in possession of deadly academic weapons had entered the third floor and barricaded themselves amongst the bookshelves.

Police report the encounter has reached a stalemate, as the suspect’s headphones are playing lofi beats so loudly they cannot hear or comply with demands. They hope progress will be made in the standoff once the suspect’s pomodoro timer beckons them away from their laptop.

This shocking development came just days after S.W.A.T teams mobilized on the Campus Recreation and Wellness Center after locals overheard screams that there was an active shooter on the basketball courts.

Avoid area until further notice. See emergency.uiowa.edu for more.