HAWK ALERT: Tummy Ache :(
This message includes information about a tummy ache that was recently reported on or near the University of Iowa campus. The purpose of this email is to provide you with the information you need to stay safe and take any appropriate precautions to keep your little tummy from hurting.
In the interest of campus safety, we want everyone to be aware that University of Iowa officials received a report of a tummy ache and maybe a little diarrhea that occurred sometime between like an hour ago and right now at the University of Iowa Library. The tummy ache was reportedly perpetrated by lactose intolerance brought on by the frankly gluttonous consumption of library mac and cheese.
University officials are taking action to resolve all further tummy aches, as they are the most pertinent issue facing University students. Your little tum tum hurting is not your fault.
This incident remains under investigation, and officials are encouraging those with reactive bowels on campus to be careful and take extra precautions, including:
Ordering dairy alternatives such as almond, oat, or soy milk
Bring your Lactaid with you if you think you might be around dairy products
Ensure you’re always within fifty feet of a usable toilet
Avoid all animal based milks, even breast milk :/
Bring a change of underwear in case of skid marks
Carry baby wipes to clean off your sweet tush
If your stomach starts hurting, text literally everyone you know—including University of Iowa officials
If you do have a tummy ache, make sure to groan as loud as possible
Consider that this is all so awful and so unfair for such a poor sweet little guy like you :(
We hope you can stay safe in these harrowing times. And if you can’t, don’t worry. We’ll leave a stall open for you.