Herky Slain Amid Augury and Haruspicy Incident

Despite outcry from concerned Christians and animal rights activists, the University of Iowa has gone forward with its new Magic and Sorcery graduate program. After recent events, the more ambivalent student body has been given reason to join the protests.

Late last week, an unnamed student in the class “Performative Magic and Rituals: Ancient to Modern” (in course builder as MAGE:5083) attacked Herky after his return home to campus from Spring Break.

“It was horrific,” one witness testified. “All two of us on the campus activities board were getting ready to welcome Herky back and then we saw this massive fireball get casted out of nowhere.”

The fireball in question is not an aspect of actual augury, the classics department communicated to the DA. They sent the following message for press:

“While observing a hawk flying from the south may be considered auspicious, the student condemned themselves by committing vitia, or misreading the signs by literally blasting Herky out of the sky.”

Even worse, the witness recalls what happened after Herky crash-landed. “They cut him open, man. I don’t know why; they just did.”

The classics department once again had comments:

“We believe the student then attempted to practice haruspicy, which involves reading the entrails of animals. However, they confused which animals were permitted for slaughtering in this project and furthermore confused two important rituals with each other.”

When asked how the department planned to proceed with the student, the representative who met with us took out a massive lead tablet, uttered the graduate student’s full name (not disclosed in this article for anonymity purposes), and smashed it upon the ground.

“It is done.” 

There were no further comments from the classics department.

It is rumored that in the coming weeks another Magic and Sorcery graduate student will attempt to bring Herky back from the dead. However, the department has been working on sourcing a magical ring from Turkey or a new methodology to draw down the moon without incurring any more casualties before doing so.