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  • Kendall Wright

Herky the Hawk: Heartbroken, Slutty, and Soon to be Neutered

Herky the Hawk receiving news that he is going to be neutered.

Hawks are usually a monogamous species; it is said they choose a partner and mate for life. This was the case for our very beloved silly and goofy mascot, Herky the Hawk, until he and his long-time girlfriend, Perky, parted ways. Despite the fact that Herky and Perky have a 53 year age gap and are cousins, they were a match made in heaven.

Since his split from Perky, Herky has spiraled. He yearns for any kind of intimacy and he has discovered the quickest way to affection is to sign up for dating apps, and look for the next hookup. He has downloaded the only dating apps exclusive to hawks-, Nester and Hunky Hawks. Since creating his profiles, he has had many intimate encounters with other birds. We asked Herky how his time on these dating apps has been.

"SQUACK SQUACK SQUACK…. Squack squack….squack squack squack squack squack. Squack squack squack squack squack squa. Squack squack squack squack squack squack. Squack squack squack," Herky said as he detailed an extremely disturbing scene of one of the consensual hookups he had at his nest. Safe to say, Herky is a very lustful and passionate hawk, which is information we could have done without.

We also asked how many times a month Herky hooks up with other hawks. He told us he romances approximately fifty hawks a month, a number that absolutely astounded us. Then he told us about the University's plan to neuter him due to his sexual promiscuity.

"Squack squack squack. Squack squa squack squack squack squack! Squack squack. Squack squack squack squack squack squack squack squack. Squack squack squack squack….", Said Herky.

Barbara Wilson, the President of the University of Iowa, has become privy of Herky's activities, and she has decided to take action to prevent hundreds of Herky's children flying around. A sudden influx of hawks would greatly overwhelm the hawk population and stiffen the originality of the institution's mascot, should these birds follow in the footsteps of their father.

Wilson plans to schedule his appointment before Valentine's Day, when Herky is expected to take advantage of the holiday and have relations with over fifty hawks in just one day. Herky is not enthusiastic about getting his nards operated on, but is ultimately okay with the idea. He will be able to partake in hook ups, but he won't have to worry about fathering hundreds of baby hawks.

"Squack squacksquack squack squack," said Herky, which translates to "I fucking hate kids."

Elon Musk and Nick Cannon, who are single handedly trying to increase the human population, have spoken out against Barbara's plan to neuter the beloved mascot. They started a page, where you can add your name to show support for their cause.


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