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  • Doily Allergen

Herky the Hawk Looks in the Mirror for the First Time: Becomes Self-Aware




After Sunday’s women’s basketball win, Herky the Hawk was seen celebrating with celebs such as Travis Scott and Jake from State Farm. Herky got so caught up in the activities and celebrations that they accidentally followed the basketball team into the locker room. After realizing this, they immediately turned around towards the door. But before they could leave, they caught a glimpse of themself in the mirror.


Herky stood there frozen for hours, realizing for the first time in their long life that they, too, are a finite being. “Yeah it was crazy. I was just standing there and I was like, damn, I too will be forgotten one day,” Herky said.


Eventually, the janitor at Carver Hawkeye Stadium, Mike Henson came in to snap Herky out of their funk. 


“I walked in, hoping for some peace and quiet, while I cleaned, and I looked up and there was a giant six-foot hawkeye standing in front of me having an existential crisis,” Henson said. “I just knew that I had to help them.”


Herky told us that Henson was able to talk him out of the crisis, and show him how to use this brand new self awareness to his benefit. 


“He just turned to me and said, ‘Herky, you have so much to be grateful for. You just hung out with Travis Scott and Caitlin Clark. Who else can say that?’ And I thought about it, and he was so right. People may not remember me a million years in the future, but they know me now. Everyone wants a pic with me, people see me and they break into tears, that’s the power I have over people. Plus I have two hot animals fighting over me right now, I see you Burch and Rusty, don’t think I forgot about you guys. I just want to say thank you to Mike for everything you did for me, I’ll never forget you.” 


Herky is now fully self aware and in the process of developing a god complex. If you see them on the street please ask for a selfie and a hug otherwise they will be sent into another existential crisis. 

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