How To Deal With Your Single (Loser) Friends This Valentine’s Day

If you’re like me, then you’re probably having sex right now. In fact, you’re probably finishing up a sexual encounter so you can go meet up with another. You’re probably so knee deep in strange that you haven’t had time to realize that Valentine’s Day is upon us. While to chads like us, Valentine’s Day is just another one way ticket to pound town, this day can be really tough for all the pathetic single people out there. And boy do those people never shut up about it. Which is why I, a constant sex-haver, am here to teach you, a fellow sex-haver, how to deal with your depressing sad sack of shit single friends this Valentine’s Day.

1. Have Sex With Them

My success rate with this first tip is admittedly about 50%. However, say one of your 6/10 single friends is whining about how they haven’t gotten any action in months because they’re such a pitiful pile of off-putting pus, the easiest way to shut ‘em up is to give them what they want. And what they want is your hog. Your big, meaty, veiny hog.

1. Match Two Single Friends Up

Let’s say hypothetically you have multiple disgusting, unlovable parasites in your friend group. Kill two birds with one dick by matching them up so that they can either bone or dump their problems onto each other. Either way, you’re freed up to dive back into some @$$.

1. Invent A New Singles-Oriented Holiday

This one only really works if you already happen to have a job at Hallmark, but essentially just invent a new holiday where your (hideous) single friends won’t feel bad about buying out the entire candy aisle at Walgreens, turning the lights off, and eating chocolate in the nude until their heart stops.

1. Get Cooler Friends

Honestly, this is the best tip I can give. If you’re surrounded by nothing but pathetic single losers like fucking Kyle or something, people are gonna start thinking you’re also a pathetic single loser. Your network is your net worth (net worth in this case referring to snatch.)

1. Inform Your Friends That Love Is Nothing More Than High Levels Of Dopamine Being Released In The Brain That Comes About Due To Familiarity Over Time And That Most People In Relationships Are Deeply Unhappy And Only In Them Because They Value Not Feeling Lonely More Than They Value Developing An Actual Human Connection Which Doesn’t Mean Anything Anyway Because Can You Ever Really Know Another Person, And Even If, Best Case Scenario, You Truly Find Somebody To Whom You Feel You Can Share Everything, You’ll End Up Either Watching Them Die Or Watching Them Watch You Die, Leaving You Alone Again

If you follow these simple steps, you’ll be free of your loser friends and back on the prowl in no time!